Controlling the Dynamic

Welcome to Psychology Hacks everyone, today we’re going to be talking about how to control the dynamic in social situations. I’m going to be referencing The 33 Strategies of War by Robert Greene. In chapter 15 he explains several strategies which can be utilized to give you the upper hand no matter the situation, and while everyone will tend to favor one or two I highly suggest learning all of them inside and out. These are lessons that I’ve used for years and I’ll review them while giving some personal examples to illustrate.

I’ll be covering these principles in no particular order, but the one I do want to talk about first is the concept of; Assuming Passive Control.

Outright power struggles are almost always exhausting and have the tendency of making you a target. I’ve never been a particularly confrontational personality myself, so I’ve spent a lot of time experimenting with different methods of gaining power without putting myself in a precarious position. One example in particular comes to mind when I think of power struggles, is that comes from my early days working in the entertainment industry. I had a boss who was incredibly immature, with an overwhelming need to be both liked and powerful. He would alternate between making horrible jokes and firing people in the blink of an eye. None of his business decisions made much sense and he was quickly running us into the ground.

All of the employees were at odds with him, and just about everyone butting heads and trying to call him out on everything. Over the course of about six months however none of the original staff remained except for myself, and I had made myself such a key asset that I survived several corporate restructurings down the road. When I left it was on my own terms, and the reason for this was very simple. I refused to engage in head to head confrontation with anyone. I recognized that my boss had much too fragile of an ego to handle being beaten in an argument. The way to win in that situation was to take myself out of the line of fire. When I wanted something, or thought things should be done a certain way I was deliberate in how I went about things. Instead of confronting him I would begin a conversation and dance around the idea until he would finally pick up on it. Once he did I would remark on what a brilliant insight he had come to. All on his own.

Don’t get me wrong this was exhausting, but it allowed me to survive in an absolutely cut throat environment. Before long I had become his go to, and after the first few times I got someone fired everyone else quickly learned not to cross me. I had gained power (ironically) by giving it up. By allowing others to feel in charge, I created a situation where I could pull all the strings without having to be the one to take any return fire. This is not a situation I wanted to stay in long term but it was a valuable experience. Sometimes a direct approach is necessary but this is rare. Instead look for ways to control the situation without having to step into the forefront. This works just as well in sales as it does in the office. If you can make others think they are in control while you guide them to the correct decision, you will be in an easily defended position. Just remember that this takes a lot of work and patience.

The idea of reverse psychology also plays into this. If you know that someone will do the opposite of what you say then tell them what you don’t want. Who cares if they think they’re winning, you’re the one intelligent enough to really call the shots.

Next We’ll talk about the principle of; Keeping Them on Their Heels.

Remember that these principles are universal. They work just as well in the office as the courtroom, as the sales floor and in the bar. Don’t get too fixated on any one method of application, but instead start looking for opportunities to practice them. Keeping the other person on their heels is a great tactic in a street fight (one of my favorites) but it works equally well in sales. The older I get the less patience I seem to have for people trying to take advantage of me or to push me around. With my ever increasing knowledge of human nature, situations like that begin to morph from a fight to an experiment. When I know someone is trying to get one over on me it becomes a game to me.

How can I outmaneuver them? How can I turn the tables? What’s the most elegant way to come out ahead?

Nine times out of ten I find that if I can confuse someone, it’s game over. I’ll keep them on their heels by never allowing anyone to really know what’s coming next. In The 33 Strategies of War he talks about aggressively creating opportunities for yourself, and taking the initiative before the other side even has the chance. This is an excellent strategy but another way to think about it is to just keep the other person guessing.

Quickly alternate between different characters who treat them in various ways. When they get a sense for your personality you become predictable. Never allow them to really get a sense for your mindset or what you really think. This will keep them from making informed decisions about you.

Shifting the Battlefield is the next principle we will cover here. We all prefer to fight on familiar ground, and it is important to understand that your opponents will be weakened by having to adapt to a constantly changing playing field. This can take the form of a sudden change in scenery at the last minute, or it may be spread out across multiple locations. Really anything you can do to alter the landscape unexpectedly can work in your favor.

For example if someone is shy and timid you may redirect everyones attention onto them. If someone is prepared to sit down and negotiate, you may instead take them for a walk through a distracting environment. Perhaps creating or eliminating background noise will be enough to throw someone off; Or maybe all you need is to do anything to change the battlefield. Demonstrating that you in fact have the authority to control the environment even a little could be enough to get inside the other persons head. Of course this will quickly backfire if you cannot back this up.

Last but not least is to Compel Mistakes.

The ideal war is one that is never fought. The more you can aggravate and sabotage the other guy the less work will be needed on your end. Keep them from gaining any traction by constantly frustrating their efforts, and undermining their success. Robert Greene mentions playing on their emotional weaknesses, which is going to let me circle back to the five basic human weaknesses; Fear, lust, anger, greed and sympathy. Find their primary weakness and lean into it. Hit all of these blindspots for maximum effect.

Over time doing this will cause them to begin make rushed, emotional decisions that will lead to their downfall. Once you have someone worked up it becomes much easier to lead them into a trap.

Depending on the environment you are operating in this may not be some dramatic ending. Perhaps your goal is to simply throw the other guy off enough to get a promotion, not to ruin someones career. That’s fine the important thing in all of this is to begin learning the principles that can be applied anywhere. Your victories will likely be subtle at first and that’s totally fine. The small wins are how we learn. Plus I’ve already talked about how it’s best to not go around trying to go to war with everyone in your life. It tends to build resentment. I encourage you to pick at least one of these principles to focus on and take with you today, and to begin looking for ways to use it in your everyday life.

Best of Luck