Today we’re going to be talking about something called “Gaslighting.” Now, this was not a term I even knew existed until a couple months ago, but since then I’ve realized that it’s a really major strategy for manipulators, especially in intimate relationships.
So what is gaslighting? Well there’s a lot of different ways that it can manifest, but basically the intention is to erode your judgement and self-confidence.
The goal is for someone to make you feel like your needs, emotions and viewpoints are not valid or important, and to make you not trust yourself or your judgement
When it’s being used against you the person will do all sorts of things to make you question yourself. They’ll bring doubt to the validity of everything you say that disagrees with whatever narrative they’re trying to push on you. Now this typically happens gradually. When you first meet someone, if they immediately begin to insist that all of your memories and viewpoints are incorrect, it’s going to be pretty easy to see past that. But, if they wait until they’ve gained your trust and then slowly start to erode your self-perception, then it’s much harder to notice anything weird going on. So if you’ve been with someone for a while and then they gradually start acting concerned about you misremembering things, they’ll probably make you wonder if maybe you really are starting to slip just a little bit. Then, when you start realizing that they’re doing something sketchy and question them on it, they can use that against you. They’ll say things like “no that’s not what I said, that’s not what happened” blah blah blah. They’ll use the fact that they’ve already got you questioning your memory and perception as a way out.
I’ll say this again, never feel bad for these people once you realize what’s going on. If they didn’t know it was wrong they wouldn’t do it slowly, they would treat everyone this way all the time. They understand what they’re doing and they just don’t care.
Something else they may do is try to make it seem like you’re constantly hurting their feelings. They’ll get all upset over the most random stuff, tell you what an awful person you are and whatever else. Then, when they get caught in a lie they’ll use that and act hurt that you don’t trust them and whatnot. It’s playing off of your sympathy.
So the term gaslighting actually comes from an old movie, where the husband in the story just slowly convinces his wife that she’s insane. This obviously leaves him with a lot of power over her, which is exactly what manipulators want the most, because they’re terrified of their own insecurities.
They’ll do a lot of things to make sure that they’re the ones in control. They’ll isolate you, take you on an emotional roller coaster, wear you out, make you constantly question and second guess yourself, they’ll argue and insist on their, alternative version of reality. They’ll try to make you feel bad about yourself, feel ashamed of imagined wrongs, they’ll try to make you feel like you’re going crazy and can’t do anything right. And the main thing I think is that they will present their story as if it’s the truth, and really fully commit to it, no matter how blatant of a lie it is.
Now, according to the book “The gaslight effect” here are a couple of strategies that they’ll use…
They’ll make you scared to bring up simple and innocent topics of conversation
You’ll frequently find yourself making excuses to your friends and family for your partners behavior
They’ll criticize you frequently, and tell you that “you should know better.”
If you’re doing your best and they’re always finding reasons to make you feel bad that’s a sign that you’re being manipulated. If you find yourself questioning whether or not you’re a bad person, but you’re genuinely trying to fix everything and it’s just never good enough for them, that’s a sign they’re playing you.
I remember in the book Narcissist by Daniel Anderson, he says that “if you find yourself questioning whether or not you’re the narcissist in the relationship, it means you’re not.” The reason being that a narcissist will be so self absorbed and think so highly of themselves that they’ll never even consider that they’re the problem. The people they choose as targets however are usually very caring and sympathetic. So when the narcissist accuses them of being the problem, they take it to heart and want to fix everything. The same thing applies to gaslighting. The manipulators will accuse you of doing the exact same things they’re doing, and even if you point that out they’ll just try to divert your attention somehow. So if you’re constantly questioning why you can’t be good enough in the relationship and it feels like “it’s always something,” it’s a sign that you are being played.
Like I said before, the goal of gaslighting is for someone to make you feel like your needs, emotions and viewpoints are not valid or important, and to make you not trust yourself or your judgement. For example if they do something to hurt you and you get upset, they’ll turn the tables by saying that the way you’re acting is “controlling, selfish, or manipulative.” I remember one time my ex randomly started saying a lot of really hurtful things and making these decisions that had a very tangible and negative impact on my life. Obviously I was upset by this but she tried to make it seem like I was being controlling, because me being upset made her feel bad. She said that I needed to stop trying to guilt her into behaving a different way. Now, this was basically the pinnacle of the manipulation and game playing in our relationship. We didn’t just get to this point overnight, but I was also starting to wise up to who she really was. I was developing as a person enough to start to understand how toxic and emotionally abuse she was being. So I was hurt by this, but it was also the point where she went too far and what she was doing finally clicked for me. So that’s a good example of someone trying to turn the tables and hide the fact that they’re manipulating and trying to invalidate your feelings.
Like I said this doesn’t happen overnight. They start off treating you like the best thing in the world, then do a 180 and bring you down to a pretty miserable place. Afterwards they’ll suddenly change pace and go back to how they used to be, and this creates an emotional roller coaster that can be very addictive. As time goes on things will gradually get worse and worse, and they’ll blame you for everything going downhill, to keep you constantly working and trying to singlehandedly fix things and please them. It can be hard to see this objectively from the inside, so it’s a good idea to get outside opinions from people you trust, because they can look at things from a different lens. In my research one recurring idea I’ve been seeing is that if you’re afraid or embarrassed to share details about your partners behavior with those closest to you, that’s a really bad sign that something is seriously wrong.
I’m going to give some information I found on The Domestic Violence Hotline website...
You can fight back by keeping records of events, involve trusted friends who will know the story and remind you of what really happened, and basically anything you can do to provide proof of what that person said or did. Don’t waste your energy trying to argue with them about what happened. If you know the truth and they’re telling you something completely different, there’s no point trying to bring them around.
Look for the patterns because, they never lie.
Gaslighting is becoming a pretty well known tactic, to the point that it’s actually been added to the dictionary. The exact definition is;
Psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator”
(And I was worried I wrote run-on sentences)
Obviously this can occur at a small level, but it potentially get really serious. I read a few case studies where it got to the point that people that would physically abuse their partners, then insist that they never did. They really got the victims to believe that they fell, and were misremembering events. So this is really pushing up against the walls of brainwashing here, which I may cover soon in an upcoming post.
It can still feel difficult to get out of these situations, remember that the manipulator will make you feel all kinds of things including guilt for their actions. They’ll tell you you’re controlling for setting boundaries, or are selfish for taking care of yourself.
Moving on, Healthline.com gave some really good warning signs of someone who is using gaslighting techniques.
Deny or scoff at your recollection of events.
Call you “too sensitive” or “crazy” when you express your needs or concerns.
Express doubts to others about your feelings, behavior, and state of mind.
Twisting or retelling events to shift blame to you.
Insist they’re right and refuse to consider facts or your perspective.
Also, remember that narcissistic people (who are big on using these tactics) will actively slander you to others in order to build themselves up by tearing you down. Also from Healthline, here are some very good signs you’re being gaslighted
An urge to apologize all the time.
Believing you can’t do anything right.
Frequent feelings of nervousness, anxiety, or worry.
A loss of confidence.
Constantly wondering if you’re too sensitive.
Feeling disconnected from your sense of self, as if you’re losing your identity.
Believing you’re to blame when things go wrong.
A persistent sense that something isn’t right, though you can’t identify exactly what’s wrong.
A lingering sense of hopelessness, frustration, or emotional numbness.
Another thing is that they may pretend as though they’re concerned about you and act like they’re trying to help, or they may treat you as an enemy who is trying to hurt them.
One thing I’ve noticed is that manipulators always give themselves away. They’ll often confess to their crimes by accusing you of committing them, or telling stories of how they’ve “done that in the past.” So if your partner tells you they’ve cheated in the past and didn’t care, get out now! That’s a pattern. Manipulative people think they’re so much smarter than others that they’ll dangle those clues in front of you like it’s a game, because to them, it is. Sometimes though it’s just them expressing themselves. Since they can’t go talk to anyone about what they’re doing, they’ll get it out by telling stories of “other people” who did the same thing, or how they’ve done something to a fictional character or someone from their past, that they’re actually doing to you.
Sometimes the person may not consciously realize they’re doing all this, but it’s no less toxic and destructive. Typically though, they fully understand exactly what they’re doing and have little to no remorse, and oftentimes don’t even consider themselves to be in the wrong at all.
I hope this helped guys. Thanks, for reading, and good luck!
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