Today I want to talk about a useful way of changing the way you interact with the people in your life. Since people are complicated individuals who act irrationally and with hidden motivations, it can be difficult to navigate through life without misinterpreting their intentions.
Actually I would say it’s impossible to get through even a singe day without misinterpreting at least something.
The good news however, is that there are some things you can do to help you make these mistakes less frequently. I want to talk about some ideas that can make a difference in your life. To begin with, always remember that, nobody reacts to things as they truly are. Instead everyone reacts to things as they are perceived to be. While this seems pretty straightforward, but it’s something that is rarely thought about. A great way to seriously upgrade your social skills is to practice observing how people respond to life, and remind yourself that they are not taking things at face value. It is one thing to know intellectually that everyone is operating off of unconscious programming, training yourself to be aware of this programming is an entirely different ball game.
Have you ever been talking to someone and been surprised at their reaction to what you say? Maybe you were excited to share good news, only for them to see it in a negative light. Maybe details you thought were insignificant produced explosive anger.
Everyone is making their way through life with a unique set of rules and interpretations, and these are not always obvious. The thing is that we make these rules up as we go, and most of the time we don’t even realize that we are doing it. Sometimes we will bring conscious awareness to the the situations we face and chose the lesson to be learned, but most people don’t understand how to process events in a productive way. Oftentimes too much, or too little thought is put into interpreting life.
It is important for us to learn both to process our own emotions and life lessons in a healthy manner, and also to develop an understanding of the headspace of those who never learn. In traditional Ninjutsu, psychological warfare comes as part of the course. Students are taught that to master the minds of others, they must first master themselves. By diving deep into your own psychology and exploring the darkness of your mind, you will develop a much deeper understanding of those around you. To truly get a feel for the unconscious processes of other people you have to have some sort of foundational knowledge to rely on. This comes from doing your own inner work and building a solid base to work from.
Obviously, just because something is true for you doesn’t mean it will be for someone else. While I may realize that I feel afraid in the beginning of a relationship because of past trauma, that doesn’t mean that my partners hesitations stem from the same fears and insecurities. They may be concerned with with me as a person, with themselves on an intensely personal level I can’t hope to figure out, or perhaps with the idea of settling down period. It could be completely different from how I feel about things. But understanding myself and clearing out that mental clutter gives me the space needed to evaluate them more objectively. Like we’ve discussed before, the road map to life that we operate from has been a work in progress since we were born, and there are an infinite number of potential discrepancies.
I’ll be the first to admit that I often make the mistake of assuming that everyone else thinks like me. I have to frequently remind myself that I am a unique individual and that nobody else is looking through the same lens as me. That being said, I also find that the better I understand myself, the more clarity I have in analyzing others. While they may not be looking at things the same way, the more I understand my own unconscious irrationalities, the more objective I can be in interpreting other people. Breaking through your own unconscious programming give you the maturity to look at others without filtering them through such a thick lens.
It’s hard to figure out someone else’s biases when you’re looking at them through your own biases.
Look at it this way… Let’s say you are engaged in a power struggle with someone at work. This person is attempting to outmaneuver you, and some of their strategic decisions are difficult to predict. At first it may seem that you need to analyze each and every aspect of their being; to look at their background, character, emotional reactions, education, personality traits, etc… The problem with this is that as you work your mental resources to death trying to nail this person down, you fail to realize that they remind you of a high school ex who still stirs up an emotional response. Maybe they share certain physical qualities, mannerisms, personality traits or use the same phrases and speech patterns. Whatever it is, you do your best to understand this person but never realize that on some level you are assuming that they see you the same way your ex did. Or rather the way you believe your ex did. If you believe that your ex was crazy and had no regard for anyone but themselves (like all ex’s) you’ll unconsciously assume that this person you work with is also out to get you for the same reasons. That unresolved area of your perception of the world that makes up the psychological shrine you’ve built to your ex is now coloring your entire view of this person who potentially has nothing in common. Maybe the individual in question is only out to get you because you remind them of their older sibling who used to torture them, and they see it as self defense. Who knows… But the point is that until you work your own inner issues out you won’t be able to see the situation objectively.
This is not to say that we shouldn’t be aware of the patterns we notice in those around us. The longer we live the better we should get. We should be able to recognize the past in the present and become competent at avoiding previous mistakes. Over time we start to notice that while everyone is going to be unique, they can still be placed into different categories of personality types. The big five traits are particularly helpful here, as well as a working knowledge of the five basic human weaknesses (to be covered soon). However, we should never assume that we know it all and need to be careful about the snap judgements we make about others. Trying to outsmart someone who wants to hurt you like your ex did is probably not going to be the same strategy as in dealing with a potential ally who is simply suffering from their own knee-jerk reaction to their perception of you.
This mental clarity of course comes from a lot of time and work. I know this episode is all about psychological hacks, but sometimes these hacks take some work. Putting in the effort that it takes to really process your emotions and analyze your human interactions can be exhausting, but well worth it. That I promise.
I also advise that you make good use of any meditation practices, journaling, artistic expressions, alone time and self-help resources that you can. While you may not see overnight results, the long term benefits of self-awareness cannot be overstated. As an added benefit, when you start to understand how irrational and unconscious most of your decisions are, it helps you to stop taking things so personally. Once you see just how crazy you can act when you feel totally sane, you become much more patient with everyone else because you realize that they’re dealing with their own issues as well.
That emotional outburst wasn’t so much because of you as their own internal struggle.
The insults directed at you a symptom of their insecurities, not your incompetence.
Learning to work with the person underneath all the programming and learned behaviors makes you incredibly patient, and puts you in a position to become a great healer. It also gives you an incredible leg up in the game of power as you learn to look past the facade that people present, and into the real intentions that lie beneath. So start working on yourself. Spend some time alone really seeking to understand yourself better. Pick apart your actions, thoughts and emotions and follow them to the source. Clear out the psychological baggage and take this newfound clarity into the world today. Start looking at those around you for what they really are. Confused souls with an abundance of conditioned responses they are largely unaware of. These responses are what they call their personality but in fact are mostly defense mechanisms. Whatever interactions you have today, just remember to start looking through the illusions people would like you to focus on. It’s always more complicated than that, and the people who understand this are the ones who pull all the strings.
Good luck
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