No matter who you are, more than likely you have grown used to seeing the world and everyone in it a certain way. We start out totally clueless in life and it is a struggle to learn to navigate through the confusion. As we develop an understanding of our environment however, we slowly create connections in our brains that allow us to process and understand what is happening around us. When the brain is young it is ready to absorb as much information as can be thrown at it. Children soak it up like whinny little sponges, and their brains quickly develop structures that allow them to make sense of everything they learn. But the human brain wants more than to simply absorb raw data, it wants to understand why that data is coming in to begin with. It’s not enough for you to know that the other kids may try to hit you if you steal their toys, your brain wants to understand why those kids choose to inflict pain. Your brain wants to understand why the world is the way it is because if it can do that, then it has a better chance of keeping you alive in the long run.
While the brain is a master of learning there is a downside to its high level of plasticity in youth. Children often learn what they do without ever subjecting that knowledge to any critical thought. Learning behaviors from ones parents is probably the most effective way for the young of any species to adapt to a highly complex world. However, all too often we see parents pass on ineffective and even self-destructive patterns and behaviors to their children. More often than not this generational curse remains unconscious. The parents have lived for so long believing their behavior is normal, they take it for granted that it is acceptable and even useful. Because of this it is easy to pass toxic beliefs down from one generation to the next without anyone ever realizing what is happening. The children who are struggling just to keep up with the overwhelming amount of new information bombarding their little skulls every moment certainly don’t know what’s going on. They are not going to be the ones to take a step back and evaluate whether or not what they are being taught is true and accurate. Their brain is going to quickly decide whether or not what it observes is useful. If the child throws a fit and gets what it wants, then the brain almost immediately learns that losing control is a great way to push Mom and Dad around. After a few years of this the brain will have countless memories and examples to draw from that prove this point. Screaming and yelling gets me what I want!
The personality is set at this point, and as the individual grows older not much will change. They will be forced to adapt to some extent however. Most members of society reject teenagers and adults who have no control of their temper. Being rejected from society is one of our deepest fears, so most people learn to get some handle on their impulses. However that core belief in the effectiveness of anger as a means to an end will remain. What’s more, that belief will likely remain unconscious and never be reviewed by the rational mind.
Looking at how easy it is to learn bad behaviors and beliefs brings us to two conclusions. First of all there is a good chance that the world views we hold dear should be subjected to examination. Just because we think something is true does not make it so. We are just as prone to faulty beliefs as anyone else and a little humility and self reflection can go a long way. It is often difficult to objectively judge the inner workings of our own minds but if nothing else we should remember that we are all inherently biased.
Secondly, no matter how well we think we have life figured out, every single person will see the world differently. Everyone is drawing on unique experiences, viewpoints, teachings, unconscious fears and programing. If we want to truly succeed in life it is important to realize this. To effectively communicate we must be able to understand others. Nlp teaches a perceptual position technique that you may find useful. Whenever you need to bring your best communication and persuasion skills to the table you can use this simple trick to help.
Exercise
Mentally rehearse the scenario beforehand in three separate stages. To begin with you will run through everything from your own point of view. Simply let things play out how you imagine they most likely will, and of course how you want them to. Try to foresee any potential problems. This step shouldn’t be too hard as most people do this on their own anyway. If anything, in this age of anxiety and depression, most people probably play these scenes out more times than they should.
The second step may take you a little outside of your comfort zone however, as it requires that you play the same scenario again but from the perspectives of anyone else involved. At first glance this may seem cliche, but through practice you can get frighteningly good and predicting how people will respond. The trick here is to really do your best to step inside the mind of that person. It’s not enough to imagine yourself sitting in their shoes and wearing their cologne; you need to really feel yourself adopting their posture, mannerisms, tonality, vocabulary and non-verbals. This definitely takes practice but it can be well worth it. The ability to step into the mind of another holds a value that is difficult to overstate. The only real drawback with this technique is that you can never truly get inside someone else’s head. The reason being that the way you perceive their perceptions is still biased and prone to the same faults we discussed earlier. Be careful to consider as many variable as possible but remember that at the end of the day the empathetic connection is the most important element. This is as much an exercise in emotional intelligence as anything else. By frequently practicing stepping into the minds of others we expand our viewpoints and reduce our shortsightedness. This takes us out of the narrow world that we typically inhabit and teaches us to be much more thoughtful and strategic. After you get good at doing this you will start to notice that it becomes difficult to get angry at people. This is because once you understand their point of view on an emotional level it takes you out of your own head and keeps you from reacting in an unconscious way. In fact you are bringing more and more consciousness to each social interaction and developing a deep awareness of the world around you.
Having this level of awareness comes with great power. It gives you the ability to see the environment as a chessboard to be played. Taking a step back to consider the viewpoints of others is a skill few people ever learn. Not only does this help you predict future events, but it also has the side effect of taking the emotional charge out of most situations. Sitting back to observe is the most effective way to respond to most situations. Make this a habit and when the time comes to act you will be coming from a place of preparation and intelligence that few are equipped to stand against.
Lastly we take our awareness and move it from the people involved to an objective third party observer. This last step is just as powerful as the one before it, because it adds a totally new element to the exercise. By getting even more space from the situation you are better able to make rational decisions. In the same way that many people give great advice they never follow themselves, taking a look at your situation from the perspective of someone with no dog in the fight can remove any emotional barriers. Remember that the key is to really feel yourself shift perspectives. Don’t just imagine watching yourself but really detach from your body and mind to step into this viewpoint.
If you make a habit of doing this exercise frequently you will be amazed at how quickly your social skills level up. You will go from reacting and living in response to your unconscious, to sitting high above the emotional battles of everyday life. You’ll be able to anticipate problems and reactions because you’re not just thinking ahead, you’re shifting your views to that of another person. This allows you to feel empathy and maintain a position of power while others get lost in the chaos. It may seem like a simple exercise but it is one that comes with an enormous payoff.
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