Growing up we all learn various strategies for navigating through life. The strategies we choose vary depending on a wide variety of factors and this leaves an infinite potential for personality development. It has always been fascinating to me that ten people can experience the same event and come out the other side with ten different interpretations of what happened. The human mind has an extraordinary ability to ascribe meaning to events, and to justify that interpretation. As children we have little control over our world and we have to learn to work with the tools we have available to us. Strength and authority are not those tools. Instead children learn to manipulate adults to get what they want. We grow up learning how to speak to people in subtle, sneaky ways, but as we get older and become more socialized we typically dull this ability. This socialization is not all bad. While it can obviously suppress the individuals characteristics it also allows them to assimilate into society in a useful way. Some children resist however or are never properly socialized and maintain these manipulative traits into adulthood. These are the people who take advantage of others and wreck havoc amongst the naive. These are the people we need to learn to look out for. They play on our emotions and have no qualms about lying or guilting us into doing whatever they want. We will all encounter these personality types throughout our life and we need to learn how to protect ourselves. At the same time a better understanding of how to talk to others can go a long way towards getting us where we want to be in life. The goal is not to become a psychopath, but no one ever got anywhere without the ability to persuade.
When you find yourself in any kind of conflict from now on start looking at it as a learning experience. Realize that we are living in a simulation and absolutely nothing is what it seems to be. This is even more true when it comes to human behavior. Whatever the issue is, with a little digging you will likely find that the root cause of the problem has absolutely nothing to do with the current situation. Everyone operates based off of their unconscious programming. Reactions to events that took place years years ago will continue to drive someone in the present. Habits developed as a child continue to direct the decisions and therefore the fate of the adult. Once you really start to understand this and integrate it into your mindset you will begin to approach social situations differently. You will develop the wisdom and oversight to read between the lines and see the true motivations of the person underneath the facade. This brings incredible power as you will begin to understand others better than they understand themselves.
To begin, figure out what the person is really trying to say. Do they truly believe in the words coming out of their mouths? More likely than not there is something deeper going on. The beliefs that people choose are simply ways to display their big five personality traits (Agreeableness, conscientiousness, extraversion, openness to experience, neuroticism). Everyone falls somewhere on the scale of these big five traits and even though we don’t realize it most of the time, our decisions are being guided by them. We unconsciously display our ranking of these traits as a means of attracting a compatible sexual partner and “tribe” members to live in safety with. If you can analyze the person accurately then you can determine what trait they are attempting to display with their words and actions. More often than not, if you can satisfy their need to display that personality trait the details of the argument become irrelevant. You can discard with their position quite easily. You may even be able to start driving a wedge between his argument and his own moral position and convince him that the argument just doesn’t align with his goals.
You do this to help him of course.
While convincing your opponent that his/her argument is inconsistent with their goals and morals is a sure path to victory (because it creates cognitive dissonance) it is not always a manipulation tactic. It’s common for people to get wrapped up in arguments only to realize halfway through that they either are wrong or simply don’t care anymore. Sometime the act of being forced to explain ones position brings out the flaws in thinking better than anything else. The more you can sit back and let them do the talking the better. When you do this you can sit back and carefully construct your argument while collecting information. The next step is to gain a foothold in the conflict by finding even the smallest space in which their defenses are weak. Oftentimes this is easily accomplished by pointing out obvious flaws in logic, but you should also be on the lookout for any gaps in explanation that may be hiding some sort of willful ignorance.
Ask as many questions as possible and feign interest in their point of view. It will lower their defenses while simultaneously giving you all the ammunition you need to construct a devastating counterstrike.
By asking questions you can get them to bring out the flaws in their logic on their own. No need to argue against someone who is slowly realizing that they have built a fortress on the sand. Gain rapport by matching their energy, tonality and body language and then slowly begin to lead them into a state of calm. Doing this allows you to take a potentially hostile situation and turn it into a respectful exchange of thought. Something that most people don’t realize is that the majority of arguments can easily be resolved if both parties are in the right state of mind to communicate maturely. Oftentimes you will need to guide others to this place, but once there you will defuse most of their resistance.
Once you are both communicating you can begin scoring points. If you can get him to say yes to a small point, you can get him to say yes to progressively bigger and bigger points until you are both in agreement. Of course human relations are dynamic and complicated endeavors and there will rarely be a total victory. You will likely need to take responsibility for your own shortcomings and agree to compromises. This may be difficult at first but it is the better option. If you make a habit of totally destroying the viewpoints of those around you it will quickly build resentment. People will put up higher and higher walls to protect themselves from you. The master does not seek domination but rather is comfortable building a place of power from within.
This can sometimes take a lot of patience. It is not always easy to sit quietly and listen while someone attacks and argues against your case. There is obviously a point where enough is enough but in general the ability to withstand a verbal assault and show no reaction will speak more for your character than anything you could possibly say. Take the time and effort to train the need to react out of your system. Just because you are insulted does not mean you must respond. In fact a response just implies that the insult is worth responding to in the first place. Instead of dignifying them with the control they want, turn the tables and let them talk themselves into a corner. In the long run this keeps you in a superior position. If the behavior persists however you may eventually be forced to put an end to them permanently to discontinue the disrespect. Of course that will depend on the situation.
When you do begin tearing apart their argument, remember to leave a face saving exit strategy. Sun Tzu wrote about how you should never completely surround the enemy, but instead always leave an escape route. A cornered foe will fight bitterly to the death upon seeing no other option. But an opponent who can clearly back out of the fight with little to no damage will be demotivated.
Attack the argument and not the person. Try to empathize with their moral/intellectual views and mimic them as well as body language. Doing this puts you in synch. People like people who are like them so become a chameleon and make them feel safe. After the rapport is established you can begin to slowly undermine their argument.
Be on the lookout for contradictions. Pointing out the inconsistencies in a persons words and actions will go a long way towards destroying their position. The human mind craves order and consistency and will do almost anything to justify itself.
Don’t be scared to use social pressure against someone. Show them how “most people” do agree with you. Cause the herd instincts to kick in and victory is assured. Few have the courage to go against the crowd.
Never directly command an opponent. Make suggestions and help lead them to your point of view. Make them feel like it was their idea.
Make generous use of positive reinforcement. Encourage even the slightest change in direction and use “shaping” to guide them more and more on target.
The first step to gaining victory in arguments/verbal conflicts is to change the way you frame these interactions in your mind. It is easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment. Most people look at each interaction as a battle to be won and immediately go into survival mode. Instead what you need to do is learn to take a step back and disengage your emotions from the situation. Treat each encounter as a learning experience and detach your ego. If you take every defeat personally you will unconsciously develop feelings of inferiority. If instead you view every interaction as a learning experience, you build yourself up and can quickly collect enough knowledge and experience to change your outer circumstances.
Focus on what you can control. You cannot control the other persons beliefs and reactions, but you can control how you react to what they say and do. You can control how you frame the situation. You can take responsibility for the way you navigate through these interactions instead of simply leaving it up to your unconscious programming. You can use every interaction as an opportunity to more closely observe the other person and collect as much information as possible. Remember not to pass judgement in the early phases. Just because you begin to notice subtle body language patterns doesn’t mean you have the experience to properly analyze them yet. Stay humble and treat it as a learning experience.
With some people you have to understand that they are simply too immature, too closed minded or simply too dumb to reason with. With these people your best bet is to disengage, cut your loses and move on; or abandon the argument altogether and resort to more diabolical means of manipulation. These people are always the most susceptible to influence because their narrowness of focus prevents them from seeing life outside of an extremely small and misinformed space. With the self absorbed and closed off it is easy to dance around them and control the situation as you operate from a space they have no comprehension of. You will never convince them that they are wrong but in the long run victory will easily be achieved in other ways.
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